Love Lessons from Ernest T. Bass

Valentine’s Day is coming up soon. If you are a man, and single, perhaps you are looking for a special lady with whom you can celebrate this big day. Sadly, not all of us can be a lady-killer like Barney Fife. Indeed, most of us can only dream of being a suave playboy like ol’ Barn. But even the most hopeless and pathetic of us can find sweet romance if we follow the lead of the most lovelorn of Mayberry’s citizens, Ernest T. Bass.

I know many of you are thinking to yourself, “Romantic advise from Ernest T. Bass? Really!?” To that I say yes. From the first time we met Ernest T., he was on a quest to find his chosen one, and he never gave up until he found his darling Romena. So, take out your pens and listen up, class, here come love lessons from Ernest T. Bass.

1) Communication is important- Women love a man who will open up to them. So get yourself the biggest mess of rocks you can find and prepare to let her know how you feel (FYI: The more windows she has in her house, the more opportunities you will have to express your feelings).

2) Get to know her family- Remember, when you meet the right lady, you will not just be dating her, you will be dating her whole family. Get to know her relatives and take an interest in what is going on in their lives (FYI: In some extreme cases, like the Darling Boys, you may have to carry the bulk of a conversation or two, so be prepared).

3) Women love a man in uniform- And even if a uniform fails to impress, you can still wow her with your bling (FYI: Be sure to leave a space on both sides of your gold tooth so it will stand out when you are dancing).

4) If a duck stands still, you can catch him by the bill- Not really relevant to finding your soulmate, but good to know none the less.

5) Have respect for yourself- If you do not respect yourself, how do you expect the love of your life to respect you? Always carry yourself with pride and dignity (FYI: If anyone ever calls you a creechster, stand up for yourself and loudly declare, “I ain’t no creechster!”).

6) Women like a man who is intelligent- Being able to do eighteen chin-ups and tote a full grown jackass five miles is impressive, but women want a man who is enlightened and who pursues higher education (FYI: Remember that America is bordered on the north by Canada, on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean and on the west by Old Man Kelsey’s woods).

7) Women like a man who has a job- Being a productive member of society is its own reward, but it also tells your potential sweetheart that you are responsible and you have your eye on the future (FYI: Fighting Englishsters, while fun, is more of a hobby and does not count as full-time employment).

Finally, just remember that there is always someone for everyone. No matter how strange or weird or cracked you might be, there is someone out there that is just as strange, just as weird and just as cracked. Good luck to you all!


  1. William Lasley says:

    Hilarious installment, Dan! You really know the show!

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