Did Ernest T. Bass Kill Osama Bin Laden?

The recent Memorial Day weekend made me appreciate even more the job our men and women of the arm services have done for us in the past…and continues to do.   I couldn’t help think back to the men in uniform on the Andy Griffith Show.

Of course, Andy and Barney in their sheriff and deputy uniforms respectively come to mind instantly.  And, Gomer wore a the uniform when Barney deputized him in a classic episode where he dropped the light bulbs off the courthouse roof and the bad guys thought it was machine gun fire.  And of course Gomer would go on to grace the uniform as a Marine in “Gomer Pyle USMC.”

Even Otis Campbell got into uniform to pose as a deputy to impress when his know-it-all brother-in-law came to town.  They must have had a lot of deputy uniforms of all sizes just sitting the in the courthouse.

But the one person that I believe was the fiercest in a uniform was Ernest T. Bass.  Now I realize in the classic episode in season four titled “Ernest T. Bass Joins the Army,” Ernest T never actually got into the Army.  He ends up going back into the mountains wearing Barney’s “genuine tweed deputy uniform that came all the way from Raleigh.”  “There goes a nut,” Barney would say at the end of the episode.

However, I have a theory that Ernest T did go on to serve in the military.  I believe he ended up as part of the fabled Navy Seal Team Six.  Think about it…Ernest T is just the kind of guy the Navy wants on Seal Team Six.

  1. First, he lives up in the mountains and is used to surviving in harsh conditions.  The grueling Seal Team Six training would be a piece of cake for Ernest T.  Hell, he would probably team them a things or two.
  2. He is an escape artist that few have been able to track down.  Andy and Barney were frustrated many times at the comings and goings of Ernest T.  He was able to break in and out of the Mayberry jail on numerous occasions and nobody could figure out how he did it.
  3. He would be good at hand-to-hand combat.  After all, when Barney kept asking Andy to let him take Ernest T out back for a “whooping,” Andy always responded with…”he’ll kill you.”
  4. If he was captured, Ernest T wouldn’t give up any secrets.  I could just see the enemy trying to interrogate Ernest T and he would give the classic lines “Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.”  Or, “The more you’re squawking the more I am balking.”
  5. Ernest T would be great at tactic maneuvers because he wouldn’t even need a compass.  He knows that his boundaries are “Atlantic Ocean, Pacific Ocean and Old Man Kelsey’s Woods.”
  6. Finally, Ernest T would make a great sniper.  He could slip behind enemy lines with his bag of rocks and pick-off nearly any target.

So my question is, did Ernest T Bass kill Osama Bin Laden?  Was he on that fateful mission that took down the biggest terrorist the world has known?  Did Ernest T sneak up to the top floor of the compound and hit Bin Laden in the chest with one rock and then another in the eye as the kill shot?  Sounds like an Ernest T move to me.

I also could see his sweet Romeena waiting for him at the airport when the Seal Team Six members got home from the mission.  All the Navy brass would be standing there at attention saluting Ernest T and one general would lean over and say to the other general….”there goes a nut!”

Comments

  1. Gloria K. says:

    Sorry, but that doesn’t even contain any humor.

  2. RonaldB says:

    Quite an accomplishment since Ernest T would be in his 80s by now.

  3. Henderson Thomas says:

    This was a really good article I laughed the whole way through this is by far the best television show in the history of television. I know the first 5 seasons of this show verbatim I never get tired of them it at times takes me an hour or more to watch one episode because of the darn rewind button on my dvd player I just love this show.

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