Barney Fife: TSA Agent?

Serious fans know that Deputy Barney Fife left the Andy Griffith Show in 1965 to pursue work as a detective in the big city of Raleigh.  Even while he worked at the Sheriff’s Office, he tried his hand at some second jobs…shoe salesman, real estate agent, and of course the boss behind the Mayberry distribution center for the Miracle Salve Company.

But can you imagine Barney Fife in the job market today?  How would he interview?  Well imagine this…

Barney has applied for a security job with TSA at the Raleigh-Durham International Airport.  Andy made a few calls to the state capital to a friend that he takes hunting occasionally and got Barney an initial interview.

This first interview is held over Skype and Barney has his desk top computer all setup for the interview at his room at Mrs. Mendlebright’s Boarding House.  He just finished off a bowl of chili and has his room window open to get rid of the smell still coming from his microwave….cooking is still strictly forbidden by his landlady.

Since this is a Skype interview, Barney will be seated in front of the computer and only be captured by the camera from the waist up.  So, he decides to only wear the upper half of his “old salt and pepper” suit.  On the bottom, he is wearing boxer shorts (think army issue here) and black socks with garters.  No sense in not being comfortable for this!

It’s about five minutes before the interview goes live and Barney is sitting staring into the computer screen at his reflection.  He notices a nose hair that needs clipped so he grabs a nearby pair of pinching sheers and clips the nose hair.  The only problem is, he also clips the skin on the inside of his nose and it begins to bleed like a “stuck hog. “  Barney scrambles for a rag and sits holding it to his nose with his head back…only minutes from the start of his important interview.  Thankfully, the bleeding subsides just before the start of his interview.

The interview goes live on the computer and Barney begins to discuss his illustrious law enforcement career in Mayberry.  He notices the expressions on the faces of the people conducting the interview…they are looking at him with a pained expression.  But, Barney continues his discord without interruption.  Finally, one of the interviewers says, “Excuse me Mr. Fife but you seem to be bleeding.”

Barney’s nose has begun to bleed again and unknowingly blood is running down his face.  When it’s brought to his attention, Barney apologizes and jumps up to get another rag to stop the bleeding.  Now, both interviewers are exposed to the bottom half of Barney’s current outfit…or lack thereof.

Barney scrambles back to his chair in front of the computer only to hear a loud knocking on the door and Mrs. Mendlebright yelling to be let in because she knows he has been cooking in his room.

The interviewers say goodbye to Barney over the computer and tell him, “we’ll be in touch!”

Of course the call back never comes and Barney never gets another interview for this job…because you never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Oh well!  That’s the TSA’s loss.  Can you imagine Barney as a TSA agent?  What a great spinoff that would have been!

Comments

  1. Katie Tapp says:

    My name is Katie Tapp but it was Mills when I started watching the Andy Griffith show! I have been a devoted fan for 32 years and I am only 47! I feel different about myself when watching and I try to feel like I can slow my life down and not let some of the small problems be such big issues! Thanks for having the show on more often with involving other channels to run it as well! I noticed the last couple post that had ask if people were interested in Blogging for them! You don’t know how bad I felt “I” should be one for sure, then I could use my box set for references as I answered questions and I also am aware of some things behind the scenes! I am well written and nicely spoken so maybe you would consider me, I truly enjoy the show and the songs they add are too cool and I am not even close to being “country” but it is a blast to hear the Darlings sing “Ebo Walker” and of course I know the words! Please contact me if possible, it would truly be my pleasure. I think I could come up with some pretty good articles so face book me or use my e-mail, please know I use my husband’s because he checks it more often! Thanks and he will relay any message for us! I can’t wait to hear and if there is anything I can do, you can even call me at 317-536-9266 or Skype! I’ll Love The Andy Griffith Show Forever! <3 Katie Tapp (Indiana)

  2. Larry says:

    I can quote most of the dialogue verbatum of almost every espsode of the show before Barney left. The show lost a lot of it’s luster then but I still enjoy watching those episodes. My wife asks why I watch almost every episode that is on TV and I simply tell her I grew up watching Andy Griffith and I’ll probably die watching Andy Griffith. There is nothing on TV today that holds a candle to it.

  3. David Shepherd says:

    Actually he could cook chilli in his room at Miss Mendlebright’s after he saved her from being scammed and losing her money. (And he could use a brighter bulb)

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  5. Cheri Nieporte-Hubbard says:

    I have been watching The Andy Griffith Show all my life or so it seems. In my home in Knoxville TN. my four daughters and I have at least two T.V.’s going with it on at all times and by the time my youngest daughter was 11, she could(and would) quote almost every show word for word. Barney is our favorite and because of a bumper sticker, my car was know as the Fife mobile :) I enjoy the website very much. Thanks

  6. ken kirkpatrick says:

    I’ve discovered that there is a little Barney Fife hidden in all of us!

  7. KB says:

    I don’t remember Barney being a shoe salesman. He was a vacuum cleaner salesman wasn’t he?

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